Noah – Movie Review
Opened March 2014
Seen by me at the cheap theatre in June 2014. You do the math.
Since it cost me $5 to see the movie, will give you my rating out of $5.
I have to admit, I went to see Noah with high hopes. Not for cinematic distinction particularly, but I was really intrigued by the notion of seeing a fleshed out version of such a brief yet beloved bible story. There are just so many unknowns in the biblical version, and I was deeply curious to see what the director and co-writer, Darren Aronofsky would bring to the screen.
Not surprisingly, he brought out a lot of Russell Crowe. The first half of the movie I enjoyed Russell as Noah, but the last half I desperately wanted his wife (Jennifer Connelly) to push him into the water! But I digress…let me back up a little…
Let me just say that all the main characters in this movie are strikingly beautiful in a dirty, ‘we live in ancient times without modern conveniences’ gritty kind of way with the exception of the miserable antagonist Tubal Cain played by Ray Winstone.
Emma Watson is lovely and befreckled as Ila, the ‘adopted’ sister/young wife/mother of future mankind.
Logan Lurman as Ham was intense and brooding, as only young men desiring young women can be. I kept thinking ‘young Christian Slater’, which is not a bad thing now is it?
Douglas Booth was perhaps a little too handsome as Shem, the oldest son. His perfectly trimmed facial hair was distracting to me.
Oh, and Anthony Hopkins as Methuselah, Noah’s grandfather was just creepy to me. I kept thinking he was going to offer someone fava beans and chianti.
Jennifer Connelly is as lovely and thin as ever, managing to show great depth of emotion and sturdiness, and great manicured eyebrows, as the wife of Noah.
Here’s what I liked:
Special Effects! I love how those movie magicians can make mountains and trees and animals and floods and Rocky Robot Angels out of technology and imagination! Loved it.
Inventiveness. Miracles. And a bit of intrigue. Rivers formed! Animals flocked! And then magic potions to make them sleep in the ark! Because really how on earth could all those creatures live in a big dark ark??? Magic sleeping smoke, my friends!
What I didn’t like:
Darren, why the weird British accents?
Noah turned into a big menacing nut case. After receiving direction and divine assistance in the first half of the movie, Noah then freaks out and comes to the wacky conclusion that all mankind must be eradicated from the earth. His family must die alone in the new world. What????
And then after Ila (thought to be barren adopted daughter turned child bride to oldest son Shem) finds out she’s pregnant on the ark, Noah vows to kill her child, IF IT’S A GIRL BUT NOT IF IT’S A BOY. WHAT?????
Anywhoo *spoiler alert*…not to give everything away, but Noah can’t kill his newborn twin daughters in the end, but still somehow we end up seeing Russell, I mean Noah, naked and alone on the beach in the new world, racked by his guilt for NOT KILLING HIS TWIN GIRL GRANDAUGTERS. WHAT??? Hey, I’m not making this up people.
And Shem, angry at his father for not getting him the wife he deserved walks off alone into the distance. Although, I have a feeling he will tire of the solitary life and will be back at the appropriate time to marry one of Shem and Ila’s offspring. EWWWWW!
Things get really creepy when you think about Emma Watson being the only woman alive of childbearing years to repopulate the New World with her husband and his brothers. EWWWW.
So, I give it 2$ out of 5.
Not that I didn’t enjoy parts of this movie people, or want to deter you from it if you like a husky, wooly, looks like a sheep farmer, briefly naked Russell Crowe. It’s just that a lot of the premise of this movie disappointed me. And I wanted Jennifer Connelly or Emma Watson to punch Noah right off that damn boat, on more than one instance.
Aronofsky gets points for stunning visuals and the whole concept of getting those animals on the ark. (Although, what about the pooh Darren???)
And the Rocky Robot Angels were cool. They reminded me of Stone Age Optimus Prime.
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I have to admit, I haven’t seen this yet, but I also have no desire to see it. Rock people freak me out. I would see it if I were with a group of people who were watching it, but no racing out there for me!
Definitely not a typical girl movie, but I thoroughly enjoyed the special effects!