Dating My Baby Daddy: How to get out of the house, without the kids

I just had my second child over a month ago and it’s been wonderful! Wonderfully sweet, wonderfully challenging, and wonderfully crazy. Being a complete extrovert whose love language is spoken in quality time, and who is insanely in love with her husband, it was incredibly frustrating to not go out on our regular date nights for over SIX WEEKS!!! Six weeks added up quickly due to the discomfort of the final stage of pregnancy, followed by navigating the first few weeks after giving birth—you know, figuring out how often(ish) our new little boy likes to eat, how long(ish) he likes to sleep, and the like. As much as I love holding baby Graham, smelling him, and generally trying to not eat him up for being the tiny cream pie that he is, I was in desperate need of a date night with the other man in my life—my husband, Sam.

In the series Dating My Baby Daddy I’ll be posting monthly how-tos, whys, and ideas for date nights with my husband, but since I am in the thick of being a new parent all over again, I figured it appropriate for the first post to be a HOW TO on actually getting out of the house, without the kids. It seems to be the hardest part of dating after you have children. Let’s jump in, shall we?

 

Step 1: Set a date (for your date)

Together, look at your schedules and pick a date that gives you enough time in advance to plan out the other factors that I’ll outline later. If you are a newbie to going out on dates post-baby or trying to get back out there, give yourself enough time to make it happen.

Step 2: Remember the date (of your date)

Input the date into your phone or Internet calendar…or planner—whatever you use to hold yourself accountable to the to-do list in your life. Yes, now that kids are involved, dating just became something you have to schedule. Gone are the days of it being 8 PM on a Saturday and your husband looking up from his phone and saying, “Let’s go check out that new restaurant that opened in Uptown”. You have at least one kid at home that needs looking after…so yes, you’ll need to schedule it.

If possible, set a reoccurring frequency for these dates WITH A REMINDER POP-UP set for a day in advance. Finally, email the event from your phone or Internet calendar to your partner. It’s not a date if it’s just one person!

Step 3: Arrange for childcare

Free(!) strategies

For a newborn

• Ask a family member or close friend to watch the baby. People ask all of the time what they can do to help you when you have a new baby. Be honest and let them know that providing time away from home with your love is something that will help tremendously! Since newborns’ can be a bit unpredictable, it’s nice to have a solid relationship with whoever is watching the baby.
  • If you do not have any family or friends close by, then consider asking your doula or midwife (if you had one and built a good relationship with her) from your child’s birth. Chances are, they would love to see a baby again that they witnessed enter the world.

For babies, toddlers and younger kids that only go to bed for their parents

• …with an early bedtime. Ask a friend or neighbor (who also has kids) to come sit at your house while your kids are asleep and you go out as a couple. Your friend’s husband will be at home with their kids. The next night, or weekend, swap the arrangement. You will be at her house with her kids as she and her man go out, while your partner is at home.
  • The best part about this type of babysitting swapping is that everyone’s kids get to sleep in their own beds at their normal bedtimes and you don’t have to schlep grumpy over-tired or half asleep kids to your house after a night out. You come home from your date and your kids are in bed! Wahooo!
• …with a later bedtime. Sometimes kids go to bed after the point that you would want to go out on a date. In this case, traditional babysitting swapping might work better for you. Swap nights with another couple where you take your kids to their house while you go on a date. You’ll watch their kids at your house the next night or weekend.
  • The best part about this type of swap is that you’re in the comfort of your own home on the weekend night that you’re not on a date.

For older kids

• Either type of aforementioned babysitting swap.
• Form a babysitting co-op.
  • Multiple families drop their kids off at one person’s house or other location—such as a church that you all attend—and they all settle in for a movie while the parents go out…except for the set of parents doing the sitting that night. The next weekend, or arranged date night, another set of parents will watch the other couples’ kids. Depending on the number of couples involved, you might only have to do the sitting every several months.
    • The best part of this type of swap is that the kids will probably enjoy seeing their friends on a weekend night as much as you’ll enjoy the free babysitting!

Less expensive strategies

For any baby or toddler that goes to bed early and predictably

• Hire a young, but trust worthy, teenager to come sit on your sofa, watch TV, and eat ice cream while your little one sleeps peacefully in his bed. A young teen is totally capable of calling you in an emergency or comfort a crying baby just until you get home. I’m not talking about changing diapers, entertaining, putting to bed or even feeding your kid. I’m talking about a 13 year old that is simply there for safety or in the event of an emergency.
  • Basically, you pick him (yes, we have employed a teen boy to watch our daughter in this scenario) or her up while your spouse puts your kid to bed, then you leave a list of numbers, ice cream (critical element here) and take off! Said teen will need to be picked up and dropped off, but he or she will also charge a LOT less per hour than a 16 year old who can drive and needs to pay for gas money. We pay $5/hour for this type of sitter! Even if you’re gone 3 hours, that’s about half the cost of an older teen.
  • In my opinion, a responsible 13 year old is capable of handling a fire, burglar or other emergency the same as a 16 year old should; call the police first, get out of the house with the kids if necessary, then call the parents. In a true emergency, no teen should be expected to actually do anything other than these things. If you want someone with CPR training and the know-how to get your kid to a hospital if needed, you might be better off hiring a professional sitter.

For older kids

• Consider sharing a babysitter. Two couples split the cost of a sitter who watches both sets of kids at one of the couple’s homes. The rate might be higher per hour due to the increased number of kids, but once the costs are split, it’s going to be less expensive than each family footing a separate bill.

Traditional strategy

• Sometimes due to a lack of nearby relatives or friends, hectic schedules (you might be too busy to do a co-op or swap), last minute dates, special holidays, and the like, you just gotta pay for legitimate babysitting services. This is the traditional “expensive” sitter route. Depending on where you live and the age/experience, prices range from $8-15/hour for sitters. Professional sitters may charge slightly more. Not as desirable as free options from a financial standpoint, but sometimes it’s what’s required to go out on a date.
  • This cost may make your date nights less frequent than prior to having kids, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it to spend the money to go out. Taking the time to nurture your relationship with your partner is key to the happiness in your home and will probably make you a more relaxed parent, which your children will benefit from. I’m no relationship expert, but something I’ve always said, “You can pay for a babysitter and date now or you can pay for marriage counseling later”. Take it from someone who’s gone through a divorce, it’s better to spend the money having fun!

 

Step 4: Plan the date

There is nothing worse than getting out of the house when you’re paying a sitter or limited on time due to a breastfeeding infant, but have no idea of what you will be doing. There is a lot of pressure to do something fun/interesting/exciting when you go out after kids, because you realize that going out is now something less frequently occurring than before having kids. Without a plan, the suggestions may fly, but unless you quickly agree on something, you may spend time aimlessly driving only to realize half of your night is wasted.

To avoid feeling frustrated with the night, plan the date. Take turns with your significant other to come up with a plan for each and every night, no matter how simple the activity. Maybe it actually involves simply driving around and talking. Bravo! Just make sure that is the intention is there before the night begins. As you get in the habit of going out, you may be able to allow more spontaneity and let the night take you where it may. Have fun, you crazy kids!

Step 5: Focus on one another

Once you get out of the house with your husband, do not WASTE the night worrying about what’s going on at home. The word waste might seem harsh, but after all of your planning to get out of the house, it is just that to question all that went into making the night happen. So, focus on your man!

This step will be easier said than done for some of you, while it is not difficult for others. Neither quality makes a person a better or worse parent. If this feels quite difficult to you, ask whoever is watching the children to text you an update every hour if it makes you feel better. When the text comes in, acknowledge it, and then put the phone back down and return to your date. Try not to call constantly and worry so much that the date is no longer a date.

At the end of the day, children are resilient little things. If they eat cookies for dinner, don’t get their teeth brushed, or take a bottle because you didn’t make it back to breastfeed them in time, they will be fine. They will benefit much more from their parents nurturing their relationship than they will suffer from one night of things not being done exactly as you might have if you were home.

If you’re a couple that has gotten out of the habit of going out since having kids, part of planning the date might necessitate thinking of some interesting topics or questions to discuss while you’re out together to keep the focus on you and not the kids. This probably sounds so lame, but seriously, it is not benefitting your romantic, adult relationship to go out and ONLY talk about your kids.

Step 6: Limit cell phone use + HAVE FUN!

This could fall under focusing on one another, but because so many of us are truly addicted to our phones, I feel it warrants it’s own “step”.

While on a date, it is not helpful to your relationship to be on Facebook most, or even 30%, of the time. It’s fine to Instagram the momentous occasion of being together without kids, but limit yourself to a couple of posts/check-ins.

Again, a date is a time to focus on keeping the things that brought the pair of you together, alive. It is not the time to see what your old college roommate’s sister is posting from her vacation in Mexico. Talk about topics that matter to both of you, laugh at each other’s jokes, enjoy one another, and take pleasure in your date night!