Mothers Day Interview – Kelly

Hello, my name is Kelly Smith. I married my high school sweetheart. We both grew up in Montana, went to the same university – he studied engineering and I studied education. I went on to become a reading specialist and he continued until he received his Ph.D. in environmental science. We spent a year in Australia where we had our son Parker. We have since moved to New York where we had our daughter Matilda.

I always looked forward to having children. I worked with kids all day long as a teacher/reading specialist and felt I would take on motherhood with grace. I thought that being a teacher would give me a competitive edge over the typical first-time mom. Yet, I am surprised daily by my lack of multitasking skills, and look back at my days as a teacher and wonder how I did so much with a genuine smile on my face. But the truth is that emotions bring so much to the table for both mother and child, and the dynamic I have with my own children is both challenging and rewarding in all the best ways.

I expected challenges, I expected ups and downs, but I never expected that I would send my oldest child 2,000 miles away for three months, while I lived in the hospital holding the hand of my dying newborn. Organ failure and the need for a liver transplant was something I never thought about, and certainly never thought I would experience as a mother. The 72 days spent with Matilda in the hospital amplified all aspects of my life. And, as a mother, I was surprised and grateful that I was able to handle the situation in the way that I did. I understand now that mothers can endure anything for their children. An unexpected lesson, but one well learned.

I learned a lifetime of lessons while holding Matilda’s sweet little hand. The way she made me feel when she opened her eyes, watching her little body so determined to stay alive, celebrating everyday for the beautiful day that it was because it was a day with her; all of it was breathtaking. I learned to love with my whole self, I learned to find joy amidst sorrow, and I learned to let go and dream big.

My biggest wish for my children is to live a good life. To learn from experiences instead of wishing them away in what-ifs or regrets. Yes, I pray that Matilda will never need to have another transplant, to never experience that pain again. But if she needs to experience that so that she can find value in the miracle of life, then I will hold her hand once again.

I love spending my free time planning projects to do with my kids, and crafting things with my hands. I should read more, I should organize more, I should probably get my hair cut more than once a year. But I don’t want to miss a moment or opportunity to love on my children, to document their play, and to laugh really hard.

Yet, I kind of wish I had someone to plan my day for me. I feel like I waste too much time trying to decide what to do next. To come down in the morning with activities prepped and ready to go, and lists ready to be checked off, now that would be a dream come true! All play, with no prep work, I would take that in a heartbeat.

Above all else, I want to teach my kids to be happy from the inside out. I want them to understand that happiness is perspective and can be found anywhere. It does not depend on the house you live in, the car you drive, or the things you have. I want their happiness to give breath to their hopes and dreams, never letting fear stifle or deter them from living a good life.

My mother was the best at teaching me that all people are equal. She spoke to a person of wealth the same way she spoke to the local homeless man. She also taught me to never give up, against all odds, to keep moving forward, to keep working hard, and to never discredit myself.

Oh my goodness, if I were to give my new-mom self advice, it would be to put all the books down. To stop trying so hard to do things the right way and to stop trying to multitask – just enjoy the moment for what it is. My son never napped, not even as a newborn, and the helplessness of never being able to settle him wore me to frustration. I would stare at Matilda in her hospital isolette wanting nothing more than to wake her up, to hold her in my arms, and to hear her cry. If my new-mom self would have known, she wouldn’t have taken those long days of holding baby Parker for granted.

We all have cloudy days – moments in time that are really difficult. I believe it is what you do with those cloudy days that defines who you are. I am a mother, an advocate for pediatric organ donation, and a blogger at Cloudy Day Gray. I write about moving forward after tragedy, celebrating the everyday, and I also look back every Thursday on a moment spent in the hospital while our daughter waited for, received, and recovered from a liver transplant at six weeks old. Thank you Brooke for having me today, and a very Happy Day to all the mothers out there.

#Alt Summit believes every mother counts