Confessions of a Work at Home Mom

 

Why Are All My Thoughts Preceded by Hashtags?

“Do you WANT them to come take you away from Mommy and Daddy? Is that what you want?! Because that’s EXACTLY what will happen if you don’t go to sleep. RIGHT. NOW.”

I feel the redness in my eyes. I hear the crazy coming out of my mouth. But I can’t stop it. Day 4 of waking up 4 times a night with a four-year old drives even the sanest of people to their breaking point. And I’m not that stable to begin with.

Still. Maybe I crossed a line here. She didn’t know I was talking about CPS, she thought I was talking about bad guys.

“The bad guys come and take…me…?” she sniffles, through messy, snotty tears.  Oh that face.

“No honey. Mama’s just being silly. No one will take you away. Come here.”

With the hug comes the guilt. Why do I always go too far? If she’s not traumatized by the ripe ol’ age of five, it will not be my fault.  I tell her over and over that the bad guys are not coming. That she’s safe. That I love her. Then I sing. The same song over and over until she finally…FINALLY…shuts her eyes.

There’s no better feeling as a mother, really, than when your child goes limp in your arms from succumbing to slumber.

I’m too tired for this.

I carefully lay her down on her pillow and make what feels like the ten-thousand mile journey from her bed to mine. I carefully step around every creak in the floor, gingerly creep into bed, and slowly pull the comforter up around me. It is only then that I allow myself to exhale. I look at the clock. 3:45. So if I go to sleep now, maybe I’ll get a good three hours before she wakes up for good.

I wonder if anyone else goes though this like I do. I wonder if anyone else is awake with their toddler and lying there too afraid to go back to sleep because as soon as their eyes shut she’ll start yelling again.

Easy way to find out.

I pick up my smart phone, press pause on the classical music playing from my Pandora station and open Twitter.
Anyone else awake with their three-year-old? Bad dream number four at the Kinney house. #tellmetheygrowoutofthis.

Now. Now I can shut my eyes.

Tweet

The false bird chirps from my nightstand.

It’s my friend in Missouri. They’re two hours ahead of us, but still they were up early. Apparently her five-year-old has been waking up too. So they DON’T grow out of it. Thanks, pal.

I resume Tchaikovsky on my internet radio, kill the screen, and let myself relax.

“MAAAAMMAAAAAAAA!!!!”